Overrated “actor” Nicolas Cage (pictured above in the only worthwhile film he ever made) and his wife gave birth on Monday to the couple’s first child together, a son they named Kal-el, as in the birth name of Superman. The child’s full name is Kal-el Coppola Cage, the middle name being a huge clue as to how it’s possible for such a terrible actor to get so much screen work.
Well, I hope the child develops some sort of super strength to avoid being savagely beaten at school for having such a name. Kal-el will be attacked by people who a) think his first name is stupid, b) hated Apocalypse Now and Francis’s sub-par wine collection, and c) just plain hate Nicolas Cage.
I’m gonna go one better than Mr. Cage on this one: my first child will be named Spiderman, regardless of its gender. Spiderman Coppola Hilton Rockefeller Getty Cawley. Now all I have to do is convince my wife to have kids.