On the left is Tina Stone, wife of David Stone, Sr. who is the leader of the Hutaree Militia in Michigan. As soon as I saw her picture I thought, “I know I’ve seen that face somewhere before.” Then I realized she looks exactly like David Gilmour from the gatefold photo of Pink Floyd’s Meddle album. Is the likeness uncanny, or is it just me?

-The Family Stone: Who Are the Hutaree? [ABC News]

In an attempt to elicit sympathy for Irvin Khaytham’s “plight,” the Post shows its total lack of awareness. Here’s the summing up:

Irvin Khaytman, 17, was on the N train in Brooklyn about 2 a.m. when he was abruptly stopped by a police officer on the platform.
“He said he saw my feet on the edge of the seat next to me,” Khaytman said. “He said putting your feet on a seat is nasty, and since I was nasty, I deserved a ticket.” Seems the subways are so safe that police are still busy hunting down early-morning riders who put their feet up on seats or — heaven forbid!– cross their legs

To address both points:

1) Yeah, putting your feet up on the seat next to you IS nasty.  How the hell do I know where you’ve been?  You could’ve been visiting the local dog shit factory for all I know! [Incidentally, if you haven't yet visited the local dog shit factory, it's a real treat, and they could really use the business these days.]

2) Putting your filthy, disgusting feet on the seat of the person who will eventually sit there is NOT the same as crossing your legs.

I see where the Post is trying to go with this.  They are trying to make it seem as if the police are bringing about the return of The Crusades with their petty excuse for offenses, but they completely miss the point.  Potentially harming yourself by changing trains while they’re in motion doesn’t hurt others (alright, unless you fall on the tracks, in which case you are gumming up the works a bit) and therefore IS a petty offense.  See the difference?

- Oh, sit! $50 for feet on a seat [New York Post]

In Los Angeles, at a health care protest organized by MoveOn.org, a man’s finger was bitten off. Witnesses said a confrontation erupted after the biter crossed from the MoveOn.org side of the street to the counterprotest, where Rice was standing. A loud scuffle ensued, punches were thrown, and the tip of William Rice’s finger was bitten off.

What the fascist, mainstream press will NOT tell you, is that the assailant is a longtime sufferer of rabies, the treatment of which is not covered, as it falls under “act of dog” by his current health care provider.

Rice claims that he and his attacker did not have a conversation about health care unless “you want to call him screaming in my face that I’m an idiot a conversation.” The truth is, several witnesses clearly heard Rice say repeatedly to the assailant “C’mon, I dare you to bite my finger off! What are ya, some kind of pussy?”

The biter fled, howling and frothing as he exited the scene, before authorities arrived. He could face several charges, including disturbing the peace, inciting a riot and the illegal use of a molar.

Rice himself was treated at Los Robles Hospital and Medical Center. His treatment was covered by Medicare.

Ironic, that.

- Part of finger bitten off at Calif. health protest [AP]

Though we never got to know what sort of President Edward Kennedy would have been, we certainly got to know him as a senator. After 46 years as Senator of Massachusetts (a record broken only by Senators Robert Byrd and Strom Thurmond) he worked tirelessly on political reform, especially healthcare reform. The fact that we may now be on the cusp of the most radical healthcare reform in several decades must be somewhat bittersweet to the Kennedy family, its reform being, in Ted’s words “the cause of my life.”

Diagnosed with brain cancer in May 2008, Ted nevertheless looked more healthy in the past 15 months than he had in years, at least on television. I was, perhaps foolishly, optimistic about his recovery based largely on his appearance. I guess I’m easily fooled when I want to be.

Kennedy’s political life was forever changed by two events: Chappaquiddick in 1969 and, ironically, Sen. Robert Byrd’s successful attempt to unseat Kennedy as Senate Majority Whip in January 1971. Though the defeat was embarrassing and painful at the time, Kennedy would later tell Byrd that the defeat was a blessing, as it allowed him to focus more on issues independently from the Democratic party framework. Kennedy became chair of the Senate subcommittee on healthcare and played a leading role with Jacob Javits in the creation and passage of the National Cancer Act of 1971.

Politically, Kennedy never fully recovered from Chappaquiddick. It pretty much ensured that no attempt at the presidency would be successful. In 1974, in its “Encyclopedia Of Humor,” National Lampoon ran the following copy (written by Anne Beatts) in its mock Volkswagen ad:

If Ted Kennedy drove a Volkswagen, he’d be President today.

It floats.

The way our body is built, we’d be surprised if it didn’t.

The sheet of flat steel that goes underneath every Volkswagen keeps out water, as well as dirt and salt and other nasty things that can eat away at the underside of a car. So it’s watertight at the bottom.

And everybody knows it’s easier to shut the door on a Volkswagen after you’ve rolled down the window a little. That proves it’s practically airtight on top.

If it was a boat, we could call it the Water Bug.

But it’s not a boat, it’s a car.

And, like Mary Jo Kopechne, it’s only 99 and 44/100 percent pure.

So it won’t stay afloat forever. Just long enough.

Poor Teddy. If he’d been smart enough to buy a Volkswagen, he never would have gotten into hot water.

As cruel (and, let’s face it, brilliantly funny) as the joke is, it illustrates how Ted has been perceived unfairly as a public joke, politically speaking. Perhaps history will treat him more kindly.

- Edward Kennedy, Senate Stalwart, Dies [New York Times]

Well, I gotta say, this is even more of a shock than the Phillies winning the World Series, only because there are so many more ways to lose an election than a baseball game. This really fell into the “I’ll believe it when I see it” category.

I just want to thank all of you out there for getting out and voting. I haven’t felt this great about the future in a long time. Both McCain’s concession speech and Obama’s acceptance speech were delivered with the kind of grace and mutual respect that has been missing in American politics for far too long.

Thanks for being patient with my political rants of the past two months. I promise not to write about politics again, at least not for a month or two. From here on, it will mostly be the trivial nonsense you’ve become accustomed to when reading this blog. I promise.

- Obama rides wind of change to historic victory [Reuters]

Well, I guess I might as well let the cat out of the bag: I’m secretly from Philadelphia. I’m not ashamed of it; it’s just never come up before.

The Phillies, for the first time in 28 years (and, yes, I was very much alive when it happened) have won the World Series for a second time. I can hardly believe it.

I really don’t want to say anything else in case I jinx it (there’s still time).

- Fightin’ Phils are World Series champions [Philly.com]

Here are the transcripts of the latest McCain-RNC robocalls about Bill Ayers, abortion, Hollywood and (yet again) Bill Ayers. Click on the links to listen to the calls:

Call #1:
“Hello. I’m calling for John McCain and the RNC because you need to know that Barack Obama has worked closely with domestic terrorist Bill Ayers, whose organization bombed the U.S. Capitol, the Pentagon, a judge’s home and killed Americans. And Democrats will enact an extreme leftist agenda if they take control of Washington. Barack Obama and his Democratic allies lack the judgment to lead our country. This call was paid for by McCain-Palin 2008 and the Republican National Committee at 202-863-8500.”

Call #2:
“I’m calling on behalf of John McCain and the RNC because you need to know that Barack Obama and his Democrat allies in the Illinois Senate opposed a bill requiring doctors to care for babies born alive after surviving attempted abortions — a position at odds even with John Kerry and Hillary Clinton. Barack Obama and his liberal Democrats are too extreme for America. Please vote — vote for the candidates who share our values. This call was paid for by McCain-Palin 2008 and the Republican National Committee at 202 863 8500.”

Call #3:
“Barack Obama and his fellow Democrats got caught putting Hollywood above America. On the very day our elected leaders gathered in Washington to deal with the financial crisis, Barack Obama spent just 20 minutes with economic advisers, but hours at a celebrity Hollywood fundraiser. Where are the Democrats’ priorities?”

Call #4:
“Barack Obama and his fellow Democrats aren’t who you think they are. They say they want to keep us safe, but Barack Obama said the threat we face now from terrorism is nowhere near as dire as it was in the end of the Cold War. And Congressional Democrats now want to give civil rights to terrorists.”

And here I thought the negative campaigning was over. Someone should alert the McCain campaign that a very unfriendly robot is saying all of these horrible and untrue things about his opponent. I’m sure he’ll put an immediate stop to it once he’s found out.

-Palin Dismisses Powell Endorsement, Won’t Reject Robocalls [ABC News]

In yet another desperate attempt from the McCain-Palin ticket to discredit Barack Obama with half-truths, Sarah Palin, speaking to a crowd in Jacksonville, Florida, Palin said the following:

“Well, gee whiz, according to the Buffalo Courier-Express, Barack Obama was heavily involved with a group calling itself the Velvet Underground. I mean, I don’t know about you, but I hardly think this type of behavior is the kinda Country First kinda attitude that someone who wants to be our president should be behavin’ like.”

This statement was followed by loud boos and jeers from the crowd. But here are the facts that the McCain-Palin campaign may be unaware of, or simply omitted:

FACT: The Velvet Underground were a musical ensemble from the late 1960′s and not a terrorist group (further proof of McCain being somewhat out of touch).

FACT: Obama was four years old when the Velvet Underground formed in 1965.

FACT: Obama never met any members of the group personally, though he and Lou Reed briefly shared an accordion teacher in the mid-1980′s. Both have since abandoned the accordion.

FACT: The Buffalo Courier-Express ceased publication in 1982.

To make matters worse, the above picture was released to the Associated Press. A pathetic, preposterous hoax, it supposedly shows Obama standing just to the right of guitarist Sterling Morrison in a 1967 group portrait.

I am becoming completely disgusted with the McCain campaign’s recent attacks on Barack Obama concerning his alleged connections with William Ayers, a former member of a radical group called the Weather Underground. Obama was eight years old when Ayers participated in the bombings of New York City Police Headquarters in 1970, the United States Capitol building in 1971 and The Pentagon in 1972 in reaction to the Vietnam War. And even now his “connections” only go as far as living in the same district with him, and campaigning for educational reform together about three years ago.

McCain himself has significant connections to U.S. Council for World Freedom, an offshoot of the radical World Anti-Communist League, who supplied aid to guerrillas seeking to overthrow the leftist government of Nicaragua in the Iran-Contra affair. The U.S. Council for World Freedom has been linked to former Nazi collaborators and ultra-right-wing death squads in Central America. The group was dedicated to stamping out communism around the globe.

McCain resigned from the group in 1984, by which time he had little choice due to the impending Iran-Contra scandal.

Good piece of information, no? Why don’t more people in the “liberal media” mention this? Hopefully, that will change if McCain persists in linking Obama to Ayers.

-McCain and the U.S. Council For World Freedom [Washington Monthly]

I have to say that I am almost rendered speechless by this, though I shouldn’t be all that surprised.

At the Family Research Council’s annual Values Voters Summit in Washington, D.C. last weekend, the above souvenir was being sold. It is a box of waffle mix depicting a decidedly racist image of Barack Obama lovingly eyeing a stack of waffles, reminiscent of this particular bit of marketing. And for a topper (literally), there is this image of Obama in a turban (you know, just in case FOX News lets you forget for a fraction of a second that Barack’s middle name is Hussein) with an arrow that reads “Point Box Toward Mecca For Tastier Waffles.”

Hi-larious, no? Well, believe it or not, some humorless folk were actually offended by this exciting new product. Even the members of the Family Research Council issued this statement condemning the product. What’s become of free enterprise, I say?

Apparently, the creators of the product, Bob DeMoss and Mark Whitlock, once worked at Focus on the Family. Gives you a warm fuzzy, doesn’t it?

I really have nothing new to add to this story; I just wanted to point it out because most likely the mainstream media won’t be anytime soon. And I wouldn’t want this bit of “harmless satire” to go unnoticed.

Breakfast of chumps – [Los Angeles Times]

To celebrate July 4th, I won’t say anything nasty about the late Senator Jesse Helms: I’ll have Howard Stern do it for me. This clip from 1994 concerns Jesse Helms’ comments that “President
Clinton is not my commander-in-chief.” Helms went on to say that if Clinton visited North Carolina, he’d better bring bodyguards. In the midst of this controversy, Helms was being considered for Chairmen of the Committee on Foreign Relations, a job Helms was eventually awarded, despite his comments.

One ironic remark is made in this clip. At one point, Stern suggested giving the Chairmanship to Larry Harmon instead of Helms.

Larry Harmon, much-loved creator of Bozo the Clown, died yesterday at age 83. At least will he will be sorely missed.

Click on the image to hear the clip. Happy 4th of July.

Here’s a brief recap.

Jay Leno:

First of all, Jay explains away his choice to come back to the airwaves by crassly stating that, because WGA talks had broken down, “19 people were putting 160 people out of work.” Jay also took a backhanded stab at Letterman by saying “Dave had his own company [Worldwide Pants, Inc.] and was able to negotiate a deal for his writers, and God bless him,” suggesting that the Tonight Show doesn’t have that kind of leverage [I guess Big Dog, Inc. is merely an imprint. I always thought it was Jay's company, didn't you?]. Mike Huckabee was his first guest. Perhaps it wasn’t the wisest choice of program for someone so desperate to be perceived as pro-working man on which to appear. Mike foolishly crossed the picket line anyway, showing off his bass playing skills (which aren’t half bad, but he has next to no sense of rhythm) and the amount of weight he’s lost since his previous appearance on Leno. 110 pounds! I mean, I gotta admit, that’s pretty impressive. Jay’s second guest was Emeril Lagasse, who would basically do anything to save his career at this point, so crossing a picket line hardly seemed to matter, I’m sure.

Conan O’Brien:

Conan came out in far more genuine support of the writers strike, not only by sporting a full beard, but by saying upfront that what the writers are asking for is fair and they should get it. Somehow, this came off as a far more sincere gesture than Jay’s. Conan continued by showing a hilarious video of what he and the production staff have been doing since the strike began. Conan’s first guest, Bob Saget, pretty much bombed. Dwayne Perkins was both clever and funny, though the audience weren’t too kind. Robert Gordon and Chris Spedding were the musical guests. They performed a song from their recent album of Elvis covers, It’s Now Or Never. I love Robert Gordon, but I’d not seen him for a while. With his hair slicked back, he kinda looks likes a lot like Emeril Lagasse, ironically enough. They sounded great, nonetheless.

David Letterman:

After an pre-recorded introduction by Hillary Clinton, Dave came out with an even more shocking beard than Conan’s. It made him look a little like Buddy Ebsen. He took the stage with a group of would-be Rockettes with “WGA On Strike” signs. Ten still-striking writers delivered the Top Ten list. Robin Williams, predictably, was insufferable. I mean I’m one to talk, but if this guy could finish ONE SENTENCE in the same dialect, I’d be satisfied. Next Dave interviewed his Associate Producer, Nancy Agostini. Overall, a strong show that gave more than its share of shout-outs to the striking writers.

I didn’t Jimmy Kimmel or Craig Ferguson. Sorry.

Of the three I saw, I’d give the nod to Conan for doing the best show overall, especially given the fact that he had no writers. Naturally, Leno beat Letterman in the ratings. I have no idea why people keep watching The Tonight Show, other than a total lack of taste.

‘I’m O.J. Simpson. How am I going to think that I’m going to rob somebody and get away with it?’ said O.J. Simpson in an interview with the L.A. Times.

The rest kinda writes itself. This one actually would make a pretty good book.

O.J. on Las Vegas hotel incident: ‘I’ve done nothing wrong’ [LA Times]

O.J. Simpson arrested in Vegas robbery [AP]

In the 1950′s the United States was gripped by fear. Not necessarily a fear of communism, but of communist accusations. We called this phenomenon “the Red Scare.” Nowadays, the GOP is gripped by “the Pink Scare”: a monster of the party’s own making. Idaho Senator Larry Craig’s sexual preference matters not in this case. What matters is how quickly and downright fiendishly his alleged cohorts dropped him like a hot potato. Two years ago, when Republican dinosaurs ruled D.C., this incident would hardly have been a blip on the radar. Now, with the (eventually) upcoming presidential election, Iraq War backpedaling and a truly desperate attempt by the GOP to return to “moral values,” Craig’s career is instantly dead in the water. This is more due to the past sins of his Republican predecessors, most notably Florida Congressman Mark Foley, whose actions. say some, cost the GOP the 2006 midterm elections.

This recent turn of events which has waylaid the careers of many would-be moral beacons such as Rev. Ted Haggard, leaves the Republican party in a genuine crisis: should they begin to preach a message of greater acceptance to their gay and lesbian brothers and sisters, or continue to preach a moral, but unacceptably hypocritical, message of intolerance towards gays, which would inevitably lead to more disgraceful outings in other public lavatories. At least this seems to be the burgeoning pattern.

If Larry Craig is indeed the victim of a “witch hunt,” as he claims, can the public truly feel sorry for a man who has burned so many with his intolerance? What he calls a witch hunt, most would call poetic justice. And it seems as though it’s just beginning. As the election grows nearer, more will be sacrificed for the GOP’s greater good.

GOP senators say Craig should resign [AP]

If there’s a leak out of my administration, I want to know who it is. If the person has violated law, that person will be taken care of.

-President Bush, February 11, 2004

And so he shall. In a fit of contempt for the citizens of this country, President Bush commuted Vice President Dick Cheney’s former Chief of Staff I. Lewis “Scooter” Libby, Jr’s sentence to no jail time, a $250,000 fine (reportedly to be paid by the likes of Fred Thompson) and two years probation.

“I respect the jury’s verdict,” Bush said in a written statement. “But I have concluded that the prison sentence given to Mr. Libby is excessive. Therefore, I am commuting the portion of Mr. Libby’s sentence that required him to spend 30 months in prison.”

Just to clarify, the commutation of Libby’s sentence is far worse than a pardon. Here’s why: not only is it now far less likely that “Scooter” will squeal like a pig, but if he were pardoned he would forfeit his Fifth Amendment rights. With the commutation of his sentence, he retains them. Isn’t that nice?

Happy 4th, everybody!

Bush wipes away Libby’s prison sentence [AP]

The good news is there seems to be film about the life of Iggy Pop in the works. The bad news? The person picked to play Iggy is Elijah Wood. I know what you’re thinking: Did he just say “Elijah Wood”? Yes, folks. Not only has he been the front runner for the better part of a year, he also has been given Iggy’s blessing.

“I think Elijah’s a very good actor though. If he can play a hobbit then he should be able to play me.”

I can only hope Iggy’s just being gracious. I can’t think of anyone less likely to capture Iggy’s spirit. Then again, I can’t think of any worthy candidates for the role. Is Nicholas Cage busy or something?

Iggy Pop backs Elijah Wood [Yahoo! Music]

Watching the ongoing debacle that is JT Leroy (aka Laura Albert)’s career going down in flames, a funny thought occurred to me. Since it seems that Laura is not in reality an ex-junkie prostitute, or HIV positive, or a transsexual (thus rendering her “art” null and void to millions of vulture voyeurs out there demanding their literature be “real”), why not give the public what they want for a change. Since I am in an extremely generous mood today, I am going to give this idea away for free:

Sarah: The Amazon Reviews.

Good, heh? Since Laura wrote the majority of the reviews herself anyway (the ones with five stars attached to them; you’ll have to read for a bit) under a variety of pseudonyms, she can claim ownership to them. It can be presented as a series of correspondences complete with her fake reader reviewer names and dates (although I’m told most of the dates are real). And to make things more interesting, I’m sure the actual reviewers will be more than happy to lend their written work to this surefire-hit.

And it’ll be real. Oprah can back this one with pride. Millions, I’m tellin’ ya, millions!

Here’s a first draft. See what you think.

PS. Publishers, if you use the idea, all I request is Special Thanks to my pseudonym, Baron von Pretzelkins, an ex-junkie, ex-Nazi reformed truck driver-lesbian with a really bad sugar addiction. I’d really appreciate it.

If you’re as…um…mature as I (am), you’ll probably remember these magazine covers scaring the hell out of you when you were a kid as well. Courtesy of retrocrush.com (by way of Bedazzled), here is a collection of Dynamite magazine covers that will shock you, thrill you and then shock you yet again as you clamor for the safety of the space underneath your couch where you’re sure to remain for the rest of the month.

Enjoy.

[The RetroCrush link doesn't seem to be working anymore, but here's a newer Dynamite Magazine site.]

Say what you want about Jerry Falwell; the man was definitely influential. With Falwell’s death, the continued strength of the Moral Majority may be in question. It seems unlikely that any other religious leader could get away with a fraction of the faux pas Falwell had gracefully endured over the years. Here’s a greatest hits, of sorts:

• In 1999, he told an evangelical conference that the Antichrist was a male Jew who was probably already alive.

• Shortly after the 11 September 2001 attacks, he said that gays, atheists, civil-rights activists and legal abortions in the US had angered God and “helped this happen”.
• In 1999, he denounced the BBC TV children’s show The Teletubbies, because he believed one character, Tinky Winky, was homosexual.

To be fair, perhaps Falwell’s “passion” derived from a rather sordid past, which he readily admitted. Falwell’s father and his grandfather were both atheists who made fortunes bootlegging during prohibition. He’d had his own troubles with the law, describing himself as a “juvenile delinquent” before becoming a born again Christian at the age of 19.

Despite his frequently misguided viewpoints, the moral climate continued to turn in Falwell’s direction. John McCain, who denounced Falwell as an “agent of intolerance” during his 2000 presidential election, recently back peddled on those comments during his recent Meet The Press appearance last month.

So the question remains: has the fanatically moral dream died along with its most prominent dreamer? We can only hope for the best.

Evangelist Jerry Falwell dies [REUTERS]

An event is being held to launch a book entitled Third Rail: The Poetry of Rock and Roll. It will be held at the Bowery Poetry Club on May 9th starting at 7:30pm. It appears to be a free event. It also appears that I’ll be performing two songs after Daniel Nester‘s reading and right before Paul Muldoon‘s band, Racket (I’ve heard they’re fantastic). The sparse ad on BPC’s website also lists “others,” of which I must be one. Anyway, I’ll be doing some Queen-related material. A splendid time is guaranteed for all.

The Bowery Poetry Club
308 Bowery, New York, NY 10012
(212) 614-0505
7:30pm